Tell me what's real

Yesterday I had this conversation with a friend


I: I don't understand the concept of arranged marriages. I mean, you don't get to 'know' people in just a couple of meetings. Its my third year in college and people, even the ones I call friends, are so unpredictable!

She: I know, seriously.

I: And....and you know, it hurts to see someone you think you know do something you could never imagine the person doing.


She: Of course, it does hurt. Everyone gets hurt at some point or the other in life. And its never the last time. I have seen so many kinds of people in this college that I had never seen before and I have learnt a lot of things about life in general

I: My life has changed a lot too. In fact I have changed a lot


She: In what way?

I: I have learnt to compromise with my sub conscience. I have learnt to convince it whenever I have no alternatives. I have pulled myself out of the fanciful idea that everyone has a heart and everyone listens to it.....that even those who do bad things are good inside.

I could feel something crumbling within me

I used to think everybody who makes a mistake thinks about it while he's alone and realizes it and regrets it.... But thankfully, I've understood the fact about the 'real' world...
I am less foolish now, more practical.


She: Good that you have realized 'cause that is actually the truth. People do not always realize and they rarely regret and apologizing has become out of question.


I didn't expect her to say that. I wished she said that what I now think is wrong and that people do regret hurting people. What was crumbling had completely broken down.

I lied to her. It takes time for everything to happen. It will take time for my thoughts to change. People hurt me and didn't apologize. But I forgave them, because I believed that they do regret but don't tell me satisfy their ego. I still do.
Even if Rachna says sorry, I wouldn't be able to keep myself from melting down. I would hug her and say "I missed you" ( I hope she never does or she would get a chance to hurt me once again)

Still Hungry

And like I said in my previous post, Rachna and I were popular and still hungry. Popularity is in fact such a hunger that the more you try to satisfy it, the more it aggravates.
I thought we had done everything to gain popularity but Rachna knew of more.


She enjoyed it. I don't believe it. My head started spinning. I enjoyed it only in the beginning when it felt cold at the back of my mouth. But then , it moved over to my head and made me feel dizzy. I really didn't like it. Just two puffs of cigarette did that to me. I wasn't ready for more. Not at all.

She: You didn't like it? Really??

(er....yea.......you heard it right)

Me: Maybe because I already had my head aching.

She: It's supposed to treat headaches stupid. What kinda girl are you? You say you are a delhi-ite. I ask, are you even real?

Me: but...

She: You are now in college, not in your girl's convent school anymore. All girls do it...

Me: yea???

She: yea......that's what they join hostels for. They do it inside their rooms..... to experience life....a life... where you know only you control yourself.....

(Oh God! I'm stuck....can't handle this nagging anymore. Doesn't she know that its injurious to health?)

She: It's just once or twice. You are not going to make it a habit for sure, right?

Me: right

She: Good........now I just hope you'll not say you haven't ever gone to a disc.....

( I remember once I had to help a girl come out of her house because she said she had to go to rpm with her boyfriend. I didn't know what rpm meant but I asked her mom to send Rashi to rpm to help me with shopping. Fortunately, her mother didn't know what rpm is supposed to be.)

Me: rpm.....many a times.......

She: and obviously had some drinks.....?

(They serve drinks there? I thought it was a disc..... u know.....a DISCO where you go and dance like crazy......where do drinks come from?)

Me: of course

She: Good......I taught you to smoke. You'll teach me to drink. Right?

Me: (gulp) Right

The Transformation

In the new world of college, I needed a friend who could turn the whole unfamiliarity into excitement for me. Rachna was that friend who helped me grow out of my introverted existence and led me to a world which smelled of popularity. She made the little that she knew look so special that I started wishing that I had the courage to show everyone what all I could do. I had mostly danced inside my room, sung wile I lay on my bed, written only in my diary, sketched and often left it neglected. She helped me dance on the stage. And then, I sung on the stage, anchored events, wrote for magazines and sketched and won in competetions. In turn, I helped her with all that she wanted. She lived in hostel and convinced my parents to let me have an experience of the hostel life too. She then became a part of not only my life but also of my family. She never let me go close to hers though. I didn't mind it. And then, it was her time to enjoy transformations. I let her share my friends, my wardrobe and sometimes even the credits I received for somethings. Soon, we were the most happening girls at college and we completely loved it.

THE DECEIT

I was at a shoe store today shopping for, obviously, shoes for myself. Another customer entered through the door- a man who smiled at me as he entered. I was confused but still, I smiled back. He kept smiling and staring at me. I moved to another rack. He still stared, and smiled. You must know how it feels to have someone continuously watching over you while you are trying to do something. I felt worse because the person watching was not known to me. The whole situation, I felt, was pure weird.

While I was trying to escape his gaze by switching over from one rack to another, I heard the woman who accompanied him ask the helper at the shop to show 'school shoes' for him. He wasn't a man after all. He was just a kid whose body had deceived him by racing ahead of his mind. Now, I'm glad I had smiled back.

THE TERRIBLE

He held my hand and then held me close to him. He couldn't comprehend anything beyond his desire and I felt uncomfortable because he held me too tight and it hurt. I tried to loosen his grip but was too weak for him. I asked him to. He did not. He was breathing so heavily that I wondered if he could even hear me. He moved his hand under my shirt and fondled all that was there. He pressed them so hard that it gave me a pain. For a girl who was herself not well acquainted with the new developments in her body, it was an unbearable pain, one that can never be erased off her mind. If the maid hadn't come in time, I dread to think what could have happened.
That day, I made a great mistake. I was home alone and I let my uncle in. But that wasn't the only mistake I made. I never told anyone about it. The beast still comes to my house. Perhaps, he is unaware that I still remember all of it. Perhaps, he breathes out his shame while he breathes in beastliness.

There are happy times and there are sad times and there are times that you don't know about. They might turn anyways all of a sudden. I'll talk about each one of them here@UNHUSHED because I really need to share'em with you and because I might not be able to tell it to anybody else.

Maybe because I had an argument with my boyfriend or maybe because my friend distrusted me or maybe for no reason at all, I wrote it in the Microwave n Radar lecture today.

Feelings risen
or
Thoughts faded

Head confused
or
Heart jaded

Dreams born
or
Hopes crushed

I shall always

stay unhushed