HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL GOD

The day it rained

"Two seats have been vacated. You can take one of them if you hurry up."

It was a regular thing waiting outside the library till someone in the reading hall decided to go home. There was I and only one other girl waiting outside that day so I offered her to take the other seat.

"Thanks."

This was the first time I saw the girl say something. People who are so quiet all the time seem to have some mystery attached to them and so you feel drawn towards them. I recall noticing this girl a lot for the same reason.

When I was done with reading for the day, I went and occupied a bench in the garden outside the library. After a while, the girl came and sat besides me.

"My name's Iti. What's yours?"
I responded, surprised at the conversation being started by her.

"Nitu." She answered.

And then that followed was a long series of questions and answers.
She noticed that the bus stand from where she had to take a bus to home fell in the way to my house, so she asked if I we could walk together to the bus stop.

"I would be glad", I said.

And before I realized I had a new friend.

We would talk for long hours. We would go over to my place for lunch. We had not much in common though, she being a serious kind and I being a fun loving girl. But as science tells us, opposites attract!


"There was a guy.....", she said once, when we were at my place.

Ooh....a love story, I thought to myself.

"I considered him to be a true friend... I liked him a lot", she continued, as she lay down her head slightly over my shoulders.
"These guys....they look so charming and act so sweet...."

"Yup."

"But you never have to wait to long to know what's behind that charm and that sweet, innocent face..."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about a damn fucker who tried to do it with me and smashed the trust, the god damned friendship, under his stinking feet."

"Oh."

She was teary eyed. It seemed like the wound was fresh.

"I'm sorry dear.....I'm so sorry. Not all guys are to be trusted. But I'm sure you'll find a guy who really deserves your friendship and your trust very soon."

"No. No man is to be trusted. No man....."
She placed her head on my lap.

I could make out she was crying. I didn't know what to do so I let her. I thought that would comfort her.

I started feeling sleepy as I waited for her to stop crying. Her weeping turned into sobbing and the next thing I remember is feeling something strange....something like a lick, and a bite on my thigh...I quicly gathered my senses and screamed at her, alarmed.

"What the hell are you doing?"

She didn't stop doing it. I forcibly lifted her head off my lap and shook her by her arm.

"What is with you?" I shouted at her.

I could see she was now feeling embarrassed. Her eyes were playing hide and seek with mine. Her eyes were still watery.

"Nitu..."

Her eyes streamed. I melted.

"It's turning dark. Lets accompany you to the bus stop. Come."

We walked together but for the first time I felt she didn't feel comfortable walking with me. She was crying, I could see and I couldn't bear it. I wanted to tell her that it's okay and that a mistake, if realized can be forgiven, but I couldn't.

It started to rain.
It was her license to cry freely.

We were yet to reach the bus stand. She stopped. I stopped too.
She looked at me, rain drops merging with her tears and dropping off her chin.

"Please do me a favour", she said, "Let me go alone from here."

I was confused.

"Please", she said.

"Hmmm....okay", I replied and started to turn back.
But something suddenly interrupted me. A kiss.

I saw her run till she disappeared, forever.

Help! Help! Help!

He doesn't know what to do with the wallet his mom gifted him

He doesn't care what chartbusters are playing on the radio

He is crazy about cricket

He is always very conscious about his looks

He is mostly dressed in semi-formals

He is an ardent lover of Krishna, the Lord

He cares a lot, a little too much at times , about people

He is a bit carefree about relationships

He loves Tom and Jerry, Loony Tunes, Duck Tales and Tales spin

He finds romantic, emotional movies torturous

He watches Narnia, Harry Potter, X-Men movie sequels in cinema hall without a miss

He believes in brand power ( Koutons is not a brand. Puma is.)

He turns 21 on the last day of this month

He is my boyfriend of an year and a half

I have not yet decided what to gift him and I'm very tensed

In 2007, I had made a scrapbook with a lot of pictures and thoughts for him and gifted him that on his Birthday
In 2008, I gifted him a beautiful Lord Krishna locket that I had got for him form the Iskon
and a shirt that was NOT branded because I couldn't afford a brand [ while his sister, his mom , his friends, my friends, all of them gifted him shirts- branded ones :( ]

Very Important: I don't get a pocket money but I've managed to create a budget of a thousand and few hundred bucks.

Tell me what to do. Help me please. I hope the data given above helps.

Yay!

It was a day of family celebration yesterday. We dined out and had fun.
My brother and I voted for the first time in our lives :)

Get a life people, please

I miss my school days a lot but I regret not having had a fair share of real fun moments while I was at school. That was because I was a timid child and I grew up to be timid. Inside, I have a lot of aspirations.
I want to be a brat and enjoy to the fullest,
go out to party on Saturday nights,

laugh at people,
laugh at myself,
laugh my heart out,
play pranks,
dance like crazy,
look stylish,
look funky,
be the coolest girl around,
rule the world.

Most of the time I am not what I want to be. I pretend a lot. It's all for my reputation I admit.

Because to be what I want to be, I must have a company of my kind. Leave alone actually doing all this, even if I tell anybody about this, they form an image - one of me being characterless.

Characterless!!!

I'm not talking about two-timing. Neither am I talking about one night stands. Even if someone confesses that he/she is addicted to sex, I wouldn't call that person 'characterless'.

I know they all will do it. I know many of them have done it. I know many of them still do it. And obviously, I don't say they are wrong if they do. What I despise is the pleasure people get in forming wrong images (while completely forgetting to try to form an image of themselves). Not only that, most of them derive greater pleasure in publicizing these images.

Oh! What's with these people. I fail to understand. Why the jealousy and why the hypocrisy?
Why do people have to let down others to quench their guilty conscience!

I'm adamant and I know one day, I'll do what I want to do. Only I'll decide if I'm guilty or not and satisfying my conscience will entirely be my problem. I might not listen to it, but I definitely would never try to lie to it.

1 gone 1 left

Out of my two bff(best friends forever), one has stopped talking to me because I could not go to her bf's(boyfriend's) birthday party(see last post). Surprisingly, I do not miss talking to her at all. In fact, I now realize what a waste the friendship was(oh, I don't want to call it 'friendship' anymore....so, from here on I shall call it.....ummmm......yes.....'deep shit'). I used to tell her everything just so that she feels that I need her. I asked for her opinions and even tried that at least, it looks like I have taken them seriously. I gave her all the credit of fixing me up with my bf but I was the last person in the world to know that she has been going around with someone. I was obviously hurt. But I never said anything. Rather tried to ignore it for the sake of 'deep shit'. There's a lot more that I have done for that 'deep shit'. I never put my ego above it. But it had to be done someday.
Its not that I hate her. I would never wish any ill for her. Only that I would stop wishing for her at all from now.
Its easy for me to forget the 'deep shit', easier to forget her. But it's going to be a great task trying to forget how foolish I had been to have been enslaved in such a 'deep shit'.
I'm just glad I'm out of it now but I don't know if it's going to be permanent. What if she needs me someday? What if one day she comes over to me and talks to me like nothing ever happened? What if I fall into it again and get hurt again?

I always try so hard not to be foolish. Every time I realize that I have been foolish, I promise myself that I won't let it happen again. Then why does it keep happening over and over again??? I'm sick of it now.

mmmmmm..............

I'm sorry guys for being out of touch for so long. It's just that I have been sleeping a lot these days. Exams make me feel sleepy all the time, you know :D
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And also, one of my friends got married! I don't believe this. I mean it's the first time I saw someone so close getting married. And guess what.......I was asked to take the engagement ring to the bride(my friend, that is). I have never ever felt so important. She was so eager to get married that I wish that she doesn't forget me now :|
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But not all days were awesome. I had to go through a lot of testing times. My best she-friend invited me and my boyfriend to her boyfriend's ( who also happens to be my classmate) birthday. But the venue was too far from my place, plus it was a working day. Not having completed my practical files and the exams being too close, my boyfriend and I had to go to college in any case. So, we told them that it won't be possible for us to make it to the party.
So, she came up to me and said " I know why you refuse to come. I know it's because you believe in tit for tat". Ouch! That was the second time she hurt me since March, this year.
The first time was when she didn't make it to my Birthday party :(
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And, sorry for that title.....my brain's frozen......uh.

Tell me what's real

Yesterday I had this conversation with a friend


I: I don't understand the concept of arranged marriages. I mean, you don't get to 'know' people in just a couple of meetings. Its my third year in college and people, even the ones I call friends, are so unpredictable!

She: I know, seriously.

I: And....and you know, it hurts to see someone you think you know do something you could never imagine the person doing.


She: Of course, it does hurt. Everyone gets hurt at some point or the other in life. And its never the last time. I have seen so many kinds of people in this college that I had never seen before and I have learnt a lot of things about life in general

I: My life has changed a lot too. In fact I have changed a lot


She: In what way?

I: I have learnt to compromise with my sub conscience. I have learnt to convince it whenever I have no alternatives. I have pulled myself out of the fanciful idea that everyone has a heart and everyone listens to it.....that even those who do bad things are good inside.

I could feel something crumbling within me

I used to think everybody who makes a mistake thinks about it while he's alone and realizes it and regrets it.... But thankfully, I've understood the fact about the 'real' world...
I am less foolish now, more practical.


She: Good that you have realized 'cause that is actually the truth. People do not always realize and they rarely regret and apologizing has become out of question.


I didn't expect her to say that. I wished she said that what I now think is wrong and that people do regret hurting people. What was crumbling had completely broken down.

I lied to her. It takes time for everything to happen. It will take time for my thoughts to change. People hurt me and didn't apologize. But I forgave them, because I believed that they do regret but don't tell me satisfy their ego. I still do.
Even if Rachna says sorry, I wouldn't be able to keep myself from melting down. I would hug her and say "I missed you" ( I hope she never does or she would get a chance to hurt me once again)

Still Hungry

And like I said in my previous post, Rachna and I were popular and still hungry. Popularity is in fact such a hunger that the more you try to satisfy it, the more it aggravates.
I thought we had done everything to gain popularity but Rachna knew of more.


She enjoyed it. I don't believe it. My head started spinning. I enjoyed it only in the beginning when it felt cold at the back of my mouth. But then , it moved over to my head and made me feel dizzy. I really didn't like it. Just two puffs of cigarette did that to me. I wasn't ready for more. Not at all.

She: You didn't like it? Really??

(er....yea.......you heard it right)

Me: Maybe because I already had my head aching.

She: It's supposed to treat headaches stupid. What kinda girl are you? You say you are a delhi-ite. I ask, are you even real?

Me: but...

She: You are now in college, not in your girl's convent school anymore. All girls do it...

Me: yea???

She: yea......that's what they join hostels for. They do it inside their rooms..... to experience life....a life... where you know only you control yourself.....

(Oh God! I'm stuck....can't handle this nagging anymore. Doesn't she know that its injurious to health?)

She: It's just once or twice. You are not going to make it a habit for sure, right?

Me: right

She: Good........now I just hope you'll not say you haven't ever gone to a disc.....

( I remember once I had to help a girl come out of her house because she said she had to go to rpm with her boyfriend. I didn't know what rpm meant but I asked her mom to send Rashi to rpm to help me with shopping. Fortunately, her mother didn't know what rpm is supposed to be.)

Me: rpm.....many a times.......

She: and obviously had some drinks.....?

(They serve drinks there? I thought it was a disc..... u know.....a DISCO where you go and dance like crazy......where do drinks come from?)

Me: of course

She: Good......I taught you to smoke. You'll teach me to drink. Right?

Me: (gulp) Right

The Transformation

In the new world of college, I needed a friend who could turn the whole unfamiliarity into excitement for me. Rachna was that friend who helped me grow out of my introverted existence and led me to a world which smelled of popularity. She made the little that she knew look so special that I started wishing that I had the courage to show everyone what all I could do. I had mostly danced inside my room, sung wile I lay on my bed, written only in my diary, sketched and often left it neglected. She helped me dance on the stage. And then, I sung on the stage, anchored events, wrote for magazines and sketched and won in competetions. In turn, I helped her with all that she wanted. She lived in hostel and convinced my parents to let me have an experience of the hostel life too. She then became a part of not only my life but also of my family. She never let me go close to hers though. I didn't mind it. And then, it was her time to enjoy transformations. I let her share my friends, my wardrobe and sometimes even the credits I received for somethings. Soon, we were the most happening girls at college and we completely loved it.

THE DECEIT

I was at a shoe store today shopping for, obviously, shoes for myself. Another customer entered through the door- a man who smiled at me as he entered. I was confused but still, I smiled back. He kept smiling and staring at me. I moved to another rack. He still stared, and smiled. You must know how it feels to have someone continuously watching over you while you are trying to do something. I felt worse because the person watching was not known to me. The whole situation, I felt, was pure weird.

While I was trying to escape his gaze by switching over from one rack to another, I heard the woman who accompanied him ask the helper at the shop to show 'school shoes' for him. He wasn't a man after all. He was just a kid whose body had deceived him by racing ahead of his mind. Now, I'm glad I had smiled back.

THE TERRIBLE

He held my hand and then held me close to him. He couldn't comprehend anything beyond his desire and I felt uncomfortable because he held me too tight and it hurt. I tried to loosen his grip but was too weak for him. I asked him to. He did not. He was breathing so heavily that I wondered if he could even hear me. He moved his hand under my shirt and fondled all that was there. He pressed them so hard that it gave me a pain. For a girl who was herself not well acquainted with the new developments in her body, it was an unbearable pain, one that can never be erased off her mind. If the maid hadn't come in time, I dread to think what could have happened.
That day, I made a great mistake. I was home alone and I let my uncle in. But that wasn't the only mistake I made. I never told anyone about it. The beast still comes to my house. Perhaps, he is unaware that I still remember all of it. Perhaps, he breathes out his shame while he breathes in beastliness.

There are happy times and there are sad times and there are times that you don't know about. They might turn anyways all of a sudden. I'll talk about each one of them here@UNHUSHED because I really need to share'em with you and because I might not be able to tell it to anybody else.

Maybe because I had an argument with my boyfriend or maybe because my friend distrusted me or maybe for no reason at all, I wrote it in the Microwave n Radar lecture today.

Feelings risen
or
Thoughts faded

Head confused
or
Heart jaded

Dreams born
or
Hopes crushed

I shall always

stay unhushed